I Got You Babe!
by Oh Brian
Summary: This is old. And it's stupid. Elena & Reno drunkenness. No, it's not meant to be taken seriously. No, hours weren't spent upon it. It's just random stupid fun.
1. I Got You Babe!

The story behind this? er. well, what would happen if Reno and Elena were in a karaoke contest?   
  
Well, this. Basically, they've been getting drunk while everyone else from other Final Fantasy games perform, and Zack kind of brought Elena onstage during his performance, and so she's mad. =B  
  
Yeah, this was originally part of a bigger thing, so it has little in-jokes and stuff.  
  
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Damn, it had gotten QUIET. I mean, there had been a lot of background noise before, and Elena vaguely remembered getting humped or something like that, but she didn't -really- know what was going on, until a spotlight hit her. "Oh..haha, Reno, " she giggled, "Let's all go sing!" She shouted, throwing her empty flasks into the air. He responded with a simple, 'guh', and Elena had to drag him up to the stage -- although she wasn't very good at it and kept walking into people.  
  
Reno wasn't much of all the stage-goer, but who the hell could tell from him balling and laughing at the same time over the simplest things. So at Elena's simple request, he gave a rather undignified garble of a laughed that echoed throughout the quiet' becoming place. But I don't wanna sooiingg. Slurring together the words while fixing eyes upon the stage. As Elena dragged him past unsuspecting tables and throwing away the precious flasks, which were empty for some reason or another. He tipped that much? No. That guy did it. Attempting to walk a line up to the stage to follow Elena, (and failing so miserably as to almost go head-first over some stray chairs.) Reno smacked the back of Zack's head with an uncoordinated go-for revenge. Stoopppeed.  
  
"Renoooo", Elena whined, interrupting his smack fest -- or, what appeared to her as six Reno's hitting a Zack, a monkey, and a donkey. But that was beside the point, really. The two drunks...eventually found their way to the stage, and somehow were both standing at the mic stand, looking..relatively prepared. Sorta. Grinning, Elena pointed three feet to the side of Rosa and shouted, "HEY! WEIRD GIRL! Star the muuuusic!", ending the statement with a stereotypical drunk hiccup. The host magess sighed, and raised her hand into the air. A simple beat began, and Reno began to sing.   
  
"Babe!", he began, and they both chorused in, "I got chuu babe!"  
  
Being as melodramatic as possible, Elena crooned, "They say our love won't pay the rent...Before it's earned, our money's all been spent" Now, what sense did THAT make? She and Reno didn't LIVE together! The person who wrote this song was probably an idiot, she decided.  
  
Now didn't this present a problem? Reno gave a look to Elena, not bothering to cover the mic in his next accusation that came a bit out of key, Now look wha yuu done did! Goin' spendin all our money!! Figures! Though, getting somewhat back to the song with a pout look to the microphone, I guess tha' so, we don't have a pot But at least I'm sure of alla things we got!! It was completely trouble enough dragging his staggering self all the way up here on a stage with this stupid incompetence that couldn't start the music and people, just for Elena to announce to the world she'd one and robbed them broke. Now all they's money was gone and.. - AND WHAT THE HELL WAS WITH THE SPOTLIGHT?!   
  
Reno just came to notice, Chorusing in together, I got you babe I got you babe. The bartender in the back didn't look too busy. Maybe everyone else had abadoned the bar?! What a sin this was! I got flowers in the spring I got you to wear my   
ring — BARTENDER! – I want another round cuz pointy drunk all mine.  
  
"ReNO!!!" Elena shouted! "I didn't spend any money..!" She whimpered, "The song told me to do it, the SONG told me to do ittt! The sonngggg!!" Speaking of the song, Elena realized she had to add in her line, And when I'm sad, you're a clown And if I get scared, you're always around! -- AND RENO YUU STOP ORDERIN' THOSE DRINKS! WE'S UP HERE SINGIN'!", and she administered a smack to his head. Although..a drink might be nice..it was awful hard up here singing witht he light..and the flying pink bunnies around her head didn't help much either. "Gimme a bloo'y mary over -- OH HELL RENO, JUST GO!" He sure was a clown..a damned stupid one..  
  
Blinking as Reno drooled onto the microphone, Elena realized it was still her turn. Snatching the thing, she crooned, "So let them say your hair's too long 'Cause I don't care, with you I can't go wrong -- wait, my hair ain't long..damnit the song lied tuu me agennnn..oh, wait.." she giggled, and pulled at Reno's hair. "It means you. Haw. Youuu need a haircut, yoou need a haircut!"  
  
Reno pushed away Elena yanking on his red hair repeatedly, stumbling back a few steps as he did so. WHY they felt to make these stages on a 90 degrunkee angle was beyond him! I Dun need no haircut Moi hairz jes finneee! He argued back and retrieving the microphone.   
  
Then put yo lituhl hand in mine. They's ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb.– You not gonna chase me around with scizzors again trying to cut meh hair in yer Sleep again!? Or I'll push yoo off that hill, Eleeee. Turning the attention away from the microphone, he tapped the top of the blondes head with it, to make sure the message got across. Scizzor and running iz bad unlessits a politician with an ax after yoo trying to steal yer cheese On to the next line, Baaabeee. I got chuu baaabe.  
  
In a whole hearted parody of not knowing what the HELL he was doing, Reno wrapped one arm around Elena, and the other with the microphone. (Maybe for support?) I got chuu to holldd my handd!! No scissorz for yoo. Maybe I should order a uz cappuccino..  
  
I got yoooooooooooooooooo--ooo--oooouuuuuUUUUUUU!!!", Elena shrieked back, getting into it, "to undratshatnd!" She grinned, and waved off the accusation that she'd cut his hair. It had only been once! Well, d'ohkay..maaaybe three times. But that wuz only b'cause the bunnies told her to. Honest. Wrapping her free arm around Reno's waist, the two began to drunkenly swing back and forth, knocking over the microphone stand in the process, "aw hellluh! lookit wut joooo did, Relana! Eleno! Um..you!"  
  
A glassy-eyed blank look darted to the microphone then dismissing it unimportant. I dint du eet! Stoopee Reno pointed to the mic stand accusingly, YOO BUNNIES YOO DID ETT! Taking back the mic in motion to the swaying that he swore was going to end up in him tipping over at any moment, I got you to walk wiff meee. The freaaky blonde giirl with scciizoors and bunnnniesss that killed the politiciannn.. So maybe it was a bit of an ad-lib? No one cared, by now they were completely off-key.  
  
"GOD DAMN THOSE STUPID BUNNNEZZZZ!!" Elena screamed, breaking away from Reno and stomping around the stage, cursing. "I wissh joo were in a a a a a a a...a HEARS! Bcuz then you would be DEAD. DEAD. DEADER...deader than a thing that is DEAD, seriously! I keel you bunniez." Returning to Reno after walking into the wall behind the stage, Elena smiled at the three headed monkey in the audience..or was that the one who humped her in the leg? Eh..same thiiing. He was still a monkey who reached sexual matoority before Reno did. "HAW HAW I AM FUNNY." Elena burst into giggles at the joke inside her head,falling onto her knees in peals of laughter. "Oh Eleno...you crack me uppp so bad that it ain't not no funny no more." She shakily got to her feet and sang, "I made you talk with me yeah oh baby!"  
  
Elena's keeled the bunniez now they's DIED DEAD. Reno began laughing and the knee-slapping motion for no reason at all, then suddenly straightening up and trying to look serious. And yoo not phunny! Jus' takin the mic yuu no let the bunnies win the kaeroke war! YOU BUNNIES WULL NOT WIN!!! I beechuu with pitchfork! Stomping over as straight as a completely stoned and under the table uncoordinated bunny obsessing offbeat social drinker could, he grabbed the mic away from Elena, Is wanna hafta but stupid song conspiracy! I portext! Pictest! HOLD SIGNZ UP! Raising a fist in a shout of victory, I goss you tooo kiss goodnight! Becz song says so!   
  
Reno attempted to give Elena sloppy sideways kiss on the cheek as he shoved the microphone in her hands once more. Then proceeding to his saved seat about the bar! Song mahhkss me go because it iz ove says goooodnii--!!! In mid sentence he fell of the side of the stage. I HATEE THISS SSSONGGG. He moaned from behind stage.  
  
  
"BUT YOU DUN HAVE NO SIGNS RENO! WUT ARE YOU DOING NO YOU NOT CAN BANADON ME!...banadon? Haw haw that sounds like banana, haw." Elena's blank expression changed to one of confusion and a little bit of tiredness as she saw Reno slump off the stage. "On no oh no I must PERSEVERE BECUZ I AM AWESUM!" She shouted, giving a victory pose that looked like she was contipated, I got you to huh-old me tiiiiiight, oh yes, hold me tiiiiiiight..!" she shouted at the audience. "But no' you, you horny monkey!" he added as an afterthough, pointing accusingly at Zack. "Youu are in league iwth the BUNNIEZ, YOU IS. I KEEL YOU. But first. the song."  
  
Noting that Rebo was still drooling on the floor, Elena sang in a deep voice, hunched herself over, and did her best imitation of Reno. "I gots you I will not let go of you because I keel da bunniessss!". Popping back to herself, Elena giggled and sang her line, "I got yooooou, Eleno....to looove..me..SOOOOO!" She screamed it at the top of her lungs, and had the music still been playing at this point, it actually wouldn't have been so bad. But seeing as the two of them together had been singing for so long, the music had ended and they were just being stupid.   
  
"Oh, babe! I gots you babe! I --" she paused for a hiccuping fit, in which she hunched over and hiccuped right into the microphone, causing the speakers to emit loud squeaks. "I am doing dis dong on my own you know so you better like it muchly or else I WILL KEEL YOU LIKE THE BUNNIEZ BECAUSE THEY STOLE MY CHEESE AND MOVED IT. WHO MOVED MY CHEESE? I'LL TELL YOU DAMNIT, THE BUNNIES DID, THE BUNNIESZZZZ!!!"  
  
"Baby..You got my baby..bot you can't get pregnant..because..you're a BOOOOOOY!! BABE! I GOT YOUR BABE! YOU GOT MY BABE! I..got..you..baaaaaaaaaaaaabe!" She finished with a flourish, standing up as stright as she could dropping the microphone, and grinning.  
  
Then she vomited all over Cecil, who happened to be sitting at the table closest to the stage, feel forward and started giggling madly, until Rosa had to get a really big broom to sweep her and Reno away.  
  
It had ben an..er..colorful performance.  



	2. Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better

Mmmhmm, there's another part to that catastrophe.   
  
This one is NOT as good as the other chapter, though. Be warned, I'm definitely sorta dissapointed in it, although you have to admit that the last one was quite hard to top.  
  
Yarr, so maybe try to enjoy it? XD  
  
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As the last round ended, the both of the pair of Turks sat there rather confused as to why they held some shirt in their midst. To Reno's knowledge, no one ordered a stripper or anything- and indeed, he did not order to be groped. (He didn't know about Elena, she was a strange blonde, that one.) It was quiet again, that must've meant either it was there turn or Zack had gone and scared every damned one of the people in the bar with the never ending puns!   
  
Whatever. Screw kareoke. Getting up there just to have your cheese taken and get conversed over bunnies while falling off the stage and being chased around with scissors sucked bad. He eyed Elena's drink, still half full. Ha. What a sin. Then.. Came a better idea. "a din' even finish that! Haw!" He grabbed it, chugging it down with one gulp, then slamming it back down at the table.   
  
Frowning at the shirt that she still held in her hand, Elena groaned as Reno mocked her and gulped down her drink. That wasn' very nice of him! Eyebrows clicking together, Elena slammed her hand down on the table HARD and ordered another drink. "I'm superior!" She exclaimed as she slurped down the shot in one gulp. "You're INFERIOR." She giggled.   
  
Recognizing the intro to a song that the Turks SOMEHOW knew, Rosa ran over to the control panel of the music, and slammed down a button. Slowly, music began underscoring the Turks' words.   
  
She? Challenge the almighty redound ShinRa drinking shot campion? Oh that was death. Instant. He smiled, accepting the challenge and ordered a few more shots. Waving for the bartender to hurry and supply them with their much needed supply of FUEL.   
  
Oh lord. A shot contest. The bartender, none other than Laguna Loire himself, lined them up on the side of the two, dreading somewhat how this would end up. "Umm you two should really check in some clinic or something." Laguna laughed nervously while scratching the back of his head as the one with red hair gave him a blank glance.   
  
"That's quite a drinking problem you have there. You know, I had an aunt who had a drinking issue once. You would not Believe what it does to your liver. I couldn't believe it! It was all weird on the things the doctor tells you about. Oh, I should really go pay her a visit. I wonder where she lives now. She had the cutest little kitten there, it was white and brown and would scratch at your heels at it walked by-"   
  
Before he could say another word, Reno picked up one of the glasses as the bartender was rambling on about something to do with the human anatomy. Whoever this guy did in his off time, and how he did it was none of Reno's business. Nah, he just didn't give a shit.   
  
Taking the glass, he splashed Laguna in the face with the shot. They stared at each other for an awkward moment, both hating their mun for putting them in the same room, then the Reno continued as Laguna got another drink to replace that one, "I'm thur big attraction." Reno gulped another one down. "Yew the small!" The muffly little blonde could never triumph over his drinking talent and ego combined!   
  
Blinking at Reno, Elena's face spread into a half-drunk grin -- which looked pretty scary, if you asked anyone WATCHING them as the spotlight swiveled to highlight the bar. "I'm the major one, YOU'RE the minor one!", she warbled as she carefully lifted two glasses and shot them down.   
  
"I c'n beat cha shhotin' shots' because I have more al-co-hol-ic- CAPABILITES!"   
  
Sure, the lyrics were wrong. So what?   
  
Elena ruffled her blonde hair and glared at her fellow Turk, daring him to continue.   
  
GASP?! Dare she insult his alcohol consumption capability?! Reno stood up from the bar stool, as the spotlight moved to him. He pointed at Elena in accusation, "Anythn yew cerndew, I do betterer. I can dew anything betre than yooooo!" Grabbing another shot he gulped it down then dropped the glass, secretly dreading the bar tab that would later ensue as they would surely did as they usually did and blame it on Zack sticking him with the massive bill, but that was a different story. Then, to match, he took a second shot, then a third, before plopping back in the barstool.   
  
A counter gasp met Reno's, as Elena stood up as well, grabbing two shots in each hand. "I'z gonna tell yuu somethin' RENO! And yoooou BETTAR LISTEN OR ELSE THE BUNNIEZ WILL GETCHUU!" Gulping down two of the shots, she grinned, and announced proudly, "I can do ANYTHING better than youu!" The third and fourth shots were promptly poured down her throat. With a grin at a slightly scared looking Laguna, she too plopped angrily down upon her stool.   
  
Damn those bunnies were probably listening at this very moment! Well, let them get him, they couldn't do worse than strip in front of him and try to screw him outta drinks er somefing! "No ya canter!"   
  
Her glared at Laguna, who held up both of his hands and sat a few more drinks on the counter with a complete pitcher full before Reno started staring at him again. "I dun care if the Monkeys screw the swewers! Er...BUNNIES!" He gulped down a few before eagerly claiming the entire pitcher as his own.   
  
Elena slammed her hand down, and Laguna, looking quite frightened and worried at this point, set down another pitcher for her. "YES I CAN!" She practically screamed at the redhead, pouring down quite a few shots. "And you bettar believe it or I will GET YOU" For good measure, Elena decided, she poured down another two shots. Wow..her vision was starting to get a little..twirly.   
  
The Pebi: Reno started to bottom up the entire pitcher, a few stream of the shot splashing against the ground as it missed his mouth in trying to down the whole thing. Then, setting the empty thing on the counter in triumph, he glared at... Elena. "Ayting yoo c'n be I c'be grater! Soon-er-er lat tter, I grater th'n than...than.. yooo!!!!!" Reno sniffed loudly, wiping his face off with his sleeve. "I c'n.. Beet.. ALL FIVE OF YOU!" He pointed at Elena, Then 4 other Elena's that were tryin' to overtake him. HAW HE'D BEAT THEM ALL.   
  
Getting up once again, Elena faced the opposite direction of Reno, and pointed at poor Cecil Harvey, who was in the audience. "YOU, RENO! Youuu are not greater than me becuz I can kick yuu in the NUTZ. And it will HURT!"   
  
True to her word, Elena stomped over to the poor knight and, thinking he was Reno, kicked him. He whimpered. Then, muttering about annoying coworkers, Elena sang out, "Anything YOU c'n be, I c'n be GREATER!", and then chucgged down the pitcher in front of her, and also, the second that Laguna set down in front of her.   
  
That had obviously worked more than him wanting to work then ..quitting and setting the bathroom on fire. ORDER UP ANOTHER ONE. He eyed Elena from the side, taking another shot down easy, "I dig the whole and jump in it cuz you know I hate strippers that gave the guy a lap dance but he's a weird and THE BARTENDER TALKS OF KITTENS?!"   
  
Reno eyed the glass, shiny.. Glass.. Ooo.. Then, taking one last shot before falling out of the barstool and laughing like an insane hyena on crack passed out on the floor.   
  
"Reno..you no longrah are making no sense! B'CUZ ANYTHING I CAN DO YOU NO CAN DO BETTAR!" Elena complained, as she chugged down a few more..pitchers?!   
  
Oh, that couldn't be good.   
  
Then her eyes spun out of focus, and the glass pictchers shattered noisily on the wooden floor, spilling foamy alcoholic beverage all over the floor. "Whee..I like..flying pink bunnies..in a pretty yellow sky.." And she too fell onto her face, tangled up with Reno.   
  
In the audience, which was increasingly still in shock of the UTTER STUPIDITY of the Turks, the half-naked Zack tentatively stepped over the squirming Cecil and ran up to the bar. Nearly tripping over Reno, who was sprawled on the floor, Zack took one shot, turned around, and grinned.   
  
"I AM NUMBER ONE!", her shouted, before he was pelted with various objects.   
  
Sighing, the winner of the shot contest helped Rosa carry the Turks away.   
  



End file.
